Little Excerpts of a Life in Writing

Just a collection of personal-though-public-worthy thoughts that I have collected over the past several months... Note your favorites.


Academic Complaints (sometimes college is bad for my health, I see)
written April 29th, 2009

I've allowed myself to slip through an unknown doorway, I've unconsciously drifted into a new and lonely place, and I find myself to be an essentially thoughtless, mindless robot of the academic system. For all the emphasis placed on free thinking and individual originality, it's really no wonder I've lost all of that itself in the mix. Too much effort with what little I already had to work with has seemingly used up all of the ingredients. Frustrating really, and I'm pretty sure it's even a little worse than I've made it out to be in my ruthless mind. My mind seems to have cushioned the fate it's endured, giving itself a false sense of hope in things to come. I am slightly aware that nothing is to come, and the idea horrifies me. I see again how the maze of existence makes it singularly impossible to be singular in any sense at all, and even still I strive for a rudimentary understanding--at best--of things surrounding me. I am overwhelmed with the idea that things may not go back to before, because "before" is the only existence I find any enjoyment in at all. Maybe I am hopelessly dissolved in my own pessimism, but whether my fears are based in reality or not doesn't matter any longer...there are real now, and that's the only significance.


Life Inside Literature written April 29th, 2009

Even as I write, I am struck by the re-recognition of a truly pathetic thing--I am non-existent outside of literary devices. If it isn't metaphorical, if there isn't a protagonist, if the plot isn't structured toward a neat finality, if everything that happens doesn't point toward an answer, I'm lost! ...And maybe I am.


The Unknown
written July 2nd, 2009

The dark places of mystery bring forth no sadness for me at the moment, only hope and joy and beauty in their very mysteriousness. When the day becomes brighter, the darkness will be wiped away and the secrets revealed, but sometimes secrets are better kept. As Paul says in the Bible, we see things dimly, and it is only allowed for us to know in part, so as humans we reconcile ourselves to this unknowing, and we delicately romanticize the mystery. The beauty of seeing only in part is that we are unable to know fully. The act of worrying about that which we cannot know is as futile as trying to learn the future. There is such great pleasure in the mysteriousness, such joy in the wondering. Wondering makes the road worth following in continual anticipation...until the road ends...



Thoughts About Life written July 6th, 2009

My heart is longing for the kind of inspiration it feels in little spurts. My soul is weary from little pieces of inspiration, rather than the kinds I feel in long, cool droughts like water consumed after laborious activity. The moments, like splashes of mist, awaken me little by little, but seldom fully. I want to submerge myself in inspiration, be pushed in deep, struggling with groggy arms and legs to get back to the surface while all the while longing to remain submerged. I want to taste it, to be wrapped up in it, to lose myself in it and take it into my pores so that it becomes mine. All mine.

Summer is heaven, and it lasts for such a short time. Almost all hope must be gleaned from its sunshine days, its warm winds, before they are gone. In this world, we can't help but to see the end of things even when it is only the beginning. We can't stop feeling disappointment in a lack of eternity even while we are still smiling in our newfound happiness. We are too used to living and living again, in the same moments as they strike: different players, different stages, different lines--but the moments, the twist that says "this too has ended"--all the same.

It doesn't always have to be like this, but reality dictates an eventual end to life as we know it. The "real world" begins when we first enter life and manifests itself in all life's experiences: loss, friendship, pain, pleasure, anticipation, disappointment...It is only the ignorant who assume the "real world" begins when bills start coming in, when we get kicked off our parents' health insurance, when we get better paying jobs, when someone wants to marry us. If this is when the real world begins, what happens when these things end? They always do...


Other People's Pain written July 6th, 2009
I am saddened by what is the most important thing in life being crushed by so many false dreams. I don't want other people to experience pain or sadness of loss, and yet I wouldn't relieve their pain if I could, because God has allowed it. Instead of praying for their lack of suffering, I should pray for their ability to learn, truly learn, from the pain. The ability to feel and survive give us the strongest sense of being alive.


Moments (one of many contemplations) written July 8th, 2009

In Citizen Kane, Mr. Bernstein has several moments in his singular interview that incite my interest. Of course, the most important moment is when he tells the story of seeing the girl on the boat, more than half a lifetime previous to his telling of the story, falls in love with her, and not only never forgets her, but actively remembers her. I imagine that a lot of the little moments in life are like this, that some of the beautiful times we spend, no matter how short or impermanent, end up lasting forever. Sometimes they don't last because of the things that come after, so is it better, after all, to lose the path and just hold on to the moment? Staying on the path and losing the moment in sad ends ruins the story as it was once known. I need to be better at letting go, leaving the past intact, because the beauty must be preserved forever or else there is no need to experience the beauty to begin with. Maybe there is no eternity of togetherness, but just eternity for each of us alone.

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So many little things written in significant pockets of time. This summer was full of moments, but only looking back can I now see it as a time line leading to an inevitable end....