Facebook Concerns: Why I Left

This evening I read an article about the mass-exodus of Facebook users, and honestly, I was not surprised. I just returned from a three week Facebook hiatus, myself, and I would have stayed away longer if it weren't for the fact that I use the site for a course I teach. (Not my choice, though I have to say it is convenient.)

Personally, I have experienced the Facebook "addiction," but this fact is not the biggest issue I have faced with this social networking parasite. (Yes, I just said that!) The fact that I have subscribed to Facebook mobile to offset large phone bills accrued from checking my site has not been the biggest issue for me with Facebook. (By the way, Facebook mobile is like an IV to Facebook. There is no way to get away from social networking once you carry it on your cell phone. Very clever, really. It's equivalent to the drug we all swear that Starbucks uses in their drinks.) The biggest issue has been the social networking itself! I have grown very tired of everyone I know (people I know a lot, people I know a little, people I know as friends, people I know as acquaintances) knowing everything about me. True, no one can know anything for sure unless I tell them (via Facebook), but the fact that people make inferences about me due to what they read on Facebook annoys me...

Friendship, it seems, has digressed to such a superficial level that people learn things about their friends through Facebook, and instead of calling them to ask for details, they make assumptions...or just post a Facebook comment. I realize the usefulness of Facebook if other contact information is not available--and I've used it for this reason on several occasions even recently--but there are some instances where the Facebook interpretation of a situation can get pretty out of hand.

I was involved a frustrating and heartbreaking situation this summer, and some of my Facebook friends found out about it through Facebook. Those who did not catch on to my status messages or didn't see me in "real life" missed the whole thing. Three months later, I found myself harassed by messages, from those who had missed it when it happened, who seemed to have very strange interpretations of what was going on with me. In reality, I had merely tried to live my life normally in spite of my circumstances, and my actions were not only misinterpreted but, in some instances, entirely misjudged. I took a break from Facebook just to clear my head and reconsider how much of my life really needs to be on display for everyone to see. In instances where heartbreak is concerned, especially, motivations can be greatly confused by onlookers, actions are often judged strongly (which seems like the opposite of the way they should be regarded), and appearances become the sole evidence of a situation. Facebook only perpetuates these problems which would ordinarily occur anyway. No one ever wants to ASK me how I'm doing, they just want to assume. I'd prefer to have friendships that are real and that operate in a face-to-face setting...

*Note: I do realize that some old friendships would never be rekindled without Facebook, and that is one reason that I have returned. Present drama continues to plague me, but if any of my friends have noted a minimum of personal information available about me, I hope they won't take it personally. I have simply minimized available information for all because I am tired of being judged, misjudged, rejudged, and misjudged again. If you want to know how I am feeling about the enormous changes in my life this year, give me a call and I'd be happy to chat. Otherwise, don't guess...I haven't given enough information on my Facebook site for you to have ANY IDEA AT ALL what is going on in my life these days.

You think you know...but you don't. I want to be friends, I just want to be friends the normal way sometimes. I don't mind being contacted through Facebook, but I also have a phone number, so ask me for it if you want to get in touch about more personal matters. =)

Emotional Nerve Damage

Emotions are a mechanical system with very definite reaction times and types, specific to the particular owner of each system. An emotional handicap occurs when a person is so damaged in the internal emotional system that part or even most of that system shuts down and begins operation in emergency mode. Feelings are lessened, smaller, more near the surface and careless. Happiness is determined on the basis of physical comfort or discomfort and there is no inner joy. The mechanical unit, hazardously running on partial power, lacks all modes useful for function beyond survival.

Emotional nerve damage: ability to feel the presence of something without the ability to detect the nature of the presence through the senses.

I feel nothing but the slight echo of feelings--what once were feelings, their ghosts--pattering voicelessly through a long, narrow chasm.

The ghosts are foreign, like ghosts that didn't know me while they were alive, or like ghosts that never were alive. I feel nothing but the understanding that they are there, subterranean.

Don't tell me I'll get better, because I don't believe I will. I told you you would change me forever, that I'd never be the same.

I'm not interested in anyone's diagnosis or prognosis because each person bases theirs on their own experiences. This is my experience, and only I can know whether I will recover from this, and I already told you that I would not...

Maybe

Even though I never expected it to happen,
I also haven't expected anything since:
the silence, the disregard, the lies,
the revelation of past lies,
the avoidance, the insincere apology...

The nail in the coffin is the leaving
without saying goodbye,
so I'll say goodbye to you in my own way, I guess.

Well, goodbye was said a long time ago.
You just never heard my voice crying
to ask for one last chance to talk,
to listen, to understand you.
You turned and walked away

And now I'll do the same.

...

Moments on an Island

We crossed the street barefoot and slipped our feet into the cold water of the stream. Wading ankle deep, our feet slipped against the round mossy stones that seemed to move like the slimy backs of turtles underwater. We spread our picnic blanket on the soggy grass of the tiny island where the water rushed in loud, white rivulets before us and behind us. We sat eating crackers and hummus, drinking Bailey's straight from the bottle, and listening to nothing but the rush of the water in our ears.

It might not seem like much--just another moment to drop in the growing storehouse of my memories of you.

We'll eventually forget the sticky skin from a hot, humid summer day, two dozen insect bites on our legs, and our silent argument about nothing at all. These details will fade away, and I'll eventually remember only you, and the island--our island for a night--and a forked stream, and a little dog, and the sweet daze of the Irish liqueur, and the softly closed faces of day lilies, and the feel of your fingers in my hair, and the tiny lap of jumping minnows, and the sudden flare of summer heat-lightning, and the silhouette of my favorite white tree against the midnight sky.

Another moment in a series of moments, perhaps, which make up life, but some moments have significance attached to them. I will file this one beside "folding paper flowers by candlelight" under "M" for "Moments to Remember" or maybe "P" for "People to Remember."

Or maybe I'll leave these moments lying on my desk for a while. I want to remember.

Welcome to John Hampson's New Album

John Hampson, the lyrical champion, has released a new album!


When I was 15 years old, I decided that John Hampson was the only man in the world who could fully understand me, and 9 years later, I still think that no one understands *me*...the true essence of who I am...more than that man. This album sets itself apart to further prove the truth of that statement to me.

Song 1: On the Road

This song describes my heart this summer. I have never been so aware of my presence "on a road" in my entire life, and on top of the analogy, this song is all about the insufficiency of words in times of struggle.

I am trying to find the words I need
It's not the first time words are failing me
But it's worse to think that you won't know
All the things I feel that I cannot show
What's the use?

I'm not trying to be impossible
But I find myself on a familiar road
And nostalgia is the enemy
It can create new worlds from a memory
It's the truth.


Song 4: Miss You So Hard

This song speaks directly to what I've gone through this summer. I don't know if I dare to explain the details of where this song gets to me, but maybe it's just the part about appreciating the pain, taking it in, learning from it...and I think it's partly knowing that someone else might let go to protect themself from the pain, but I would never let go for that. I would rather feel the pain and know I held on.

You might as well embrace the fall
Take it in and hang it on a wall
No grieving for a yesterday
When yesterday's tomorrow is today

***

But you could dream yourself a better life
Protect yourself from the storm and strife
But I would hardly change a thing
Life is sweeter for the sting

And I miss you...so hard...

How can you say I have no heart
When I'm hitched to you like a railway car
And I miss you...so hard...


Song 6: Fight Song

This is the song we sing out of memory
This is the song we sing down low
This the song we sing like a reverie
This the song we know

***

We don't choose to stay, we just lose our way
We hold our hearts in our clumsy hands

***

Well the fool in the rain is the fool on the hill
Watching and waiting, his cup left unfilled
Measure your heart, blood will be spilled
No hero is standing still


Song 9: The Last Time

You know it's for you.

This is the last time I'll say goodbye
Before you are finally out of my mind
Well harmony's oh so hard to find
Dissimilar hearts don't keep beating time

Give me something, give me something

Well probably you think I am a liar
I can't keep my story straight
Fiction is so much harder to write
Imitating somebody's life

Give me something, give me something

But I know your thoughts before you do
I know your words sometimes hide the truth
I there's so much more to you
And I wouldn't do that do you

***

But I know your thoughts before you do
I know your words sometimes hide the truth
I there's so much more to you
And I know I said that I was leaving but I'm here and I can't move
I'm stuck and I'm tongue-tied...

***

I know there's so much more left to do
...
I know with all my heart it's true...it's true
I know I said that this was goodbye
But you should know me by now...I lied.


And I...LOVE...John Hampson :)

Crossroads

Lately I have been struggling with the idea of "adulthood" and what, exactly, it means to be "grown up." I wonder if I am a perpetual child, or if I am merely becoming more childlike as I grow older, but I am personally realizing my complete opposition to traditional adulthood. Why are we required to know exactly what we want to do and establish ourselves in a singularly rooted place now, at 24, with the expectation that we will always want to be right there? I am still exploring...not ready to settle down and decide.

And who says we have to?

There was a time, when I was with you, that I thought I was ready to decide on my eternity. I think I would be perfectly happy in that eternity if it hadn't ended, but now that it has, I have to find my own without you. I hope you know that none of this would be happening now if it weren't for you...

So I've been thinking about being grown up. Sure, I'm grown up, right? Been physically mature for about thirteen years now, been able to buy cigarettes and vote for over six years, have been free to purchase alcohol for almost four years, have had a Bachelor's degree for over two, and will soon have a Master's degree...but are these signs of adulthood, and how come I feel no different? Funny you should ask! Because I think I have an answer...

I'm NOT different! That's the answer... We all seem to think there's going to be a moment when we will suddenly BE different, but these moments do not occur in this world. We are, and then gradually we are not. Perhaps when all of this gradual fading finishes, we suddenly feel the jolt of there being no more childhood and we jump a little with the shock of it, wonder where it's gone, never realizing we've been dropping it behind us like popcorn on a path, except unconsciously. And of course the birds have devoured it and there is no way to follow it back to wherever we came from...not that we remember where that was, or the way there.

My parents have expressed a growing worry over my perpetual education, and I can't decide what the fear stems from, exactly. Are they afraid that I will continue to live in their home and spend their money for my entire life, or are they afraid that I will never settle into staid, matronly ways with sticky children and a sedate husband who cleans out the P-trap? Maybe they suspect that the time will come in my life where I will be old, single, and over-educated, regretting the fact that I am old, single, and over-educated. Unfortunately, I am afraid that I would be more likely to regret being old, married, parental, and wishing I would have discovered and fulfilled my dreams. Dreams are important: each of us has only one life in which to dream them, understand them, and fulfill them. The time is constantly running out, and I would hate to look back and realize I always did what someone else wanted me to do, never what I wanted.

I used to be more than the grown up child who had no where to go, no future...I had somewhere to go. It was a matter of time till we packed up and hit the road together, you and me, but you found a new road without me, and now it's time for me to pick up the pieces of those dreams and find a new life on my own.

I considered an analogy today, and a very ordinary, well-worn analogy at that...but an analogy nonetheless. The analogy was the fork in the road analogy. In the past 6 years, or so, of my life, there have been many forks in the road, most often the options were to pursue my educational dreams, or pursue the easy route. I perpetually choose the "easy" route, the stay here and do what I know route. Sometimes I've stayed for love--maybe every time--and now that I have no love, now that the fork one of the roads has been chosen for me, I am again at a place where I can choose to follow my dreams, or continue on the path I have chosen time and again. As I stare at the signs, my feet pointing habitually in the direction of English literature and comfortable familiarity, my eyes gaze with longing on the fresh clean sign pointing me in the direct opposite direction, the sign that reads "NEW LIFE" in bright paint, toward a freshly paved road. I can't help but wonder, as I see it, will this be the last time the road brings me back to this crossroad. If I never see this sign again, will I forever regret not turning that way, just once, after all the opportunities I've had to do so? I don't regret not doing it to this point, because I would never change the paths I've walked upon, would never go back to a life in which I didn't know Aron, would never go into the past and erase that life I once lived and longed for with him in spite of the pain of its ending, but going down this road now would not cause me to lose him in memory. This road could mark a new beginning for me, a new hope, a new future, and I could take it now and not regret the choice, because then I will know instead of wonder.

I had always thought I would choose that road, at the next crossroad, except with you...now I'll be walking it alone. But I think I want to go anyway. I'll miss the companionship, but I need to try my own wings for a change. Thank you for teaching me about myself.

Don't tell anyone, but I still hope the road leads back to you in time.