nothing is happy anymore

unexplainable feelings

nervousness
anxiety
fear
...mistakes...

unexplained feelings

silence
silence
silence

speaking

backstabbing
regret
friendlessness
frustration
pain

heartbreak

crying
unrequited love
abandonment
loss

unhappiness
bitter tears

spite
jealousy
judgment
unfaithful

faithless

rejection
solitary
wandering
lost
...despair

darkness
grief
death

...

light?
hope?
a promise a future joy?

happiness?
friendship?
love?
eternity?

...

waiting.

Photography

Michelle is going to help me purchase a camera soon. I have decided it's time for me to go back to my photography because I love it and miss it so much! I have lots of ideas, and I have been taking pictures, but since my Canon Rebel is a manual, it takes a lot of work to get my photos online for sharing. My new camera will be a digital Rebel and I will begin posting almost as much as Michelle soon--though my pictures won't be as good as hers, that's for sure!

For anyone who's interested in watching the progress, ask me for my username and see my photo uploads fly!

...this should be a healthy competition...especially since I live with a photography expert and it used to be my major as well! I'm looking forward to this.

Never to Be Undone

I had a long talk the other night with some good old friends (people who have known me longer than almost anyone else I know!) and the conversation was really interesting and revealing. It was both fun and encouraging to share views and experiences, even if we did just discover that life is equally disheartening, at times, in all directions.

We talked about how strange it is that there are few good Christians in the world, at least Christians who maintain a public desire for purity. So many Christians are content to just slip right into the ways of the world. I don't call myself innocent on this count myself, in all ways. It's easy to be deceived by some people and to fall into the traps that are laid in sin. Sometimes people can be that conniving and deceptive, and sometimes even Christians can be that stupid, whether it comes by the help of others or not.

The part that bothers me is the bragging and unrepentant attitudes. We are so quick to judge other people for their wrongdoing, but so many of us are already too far gone to even consider what we might be doing wrong in our own lives. We all make stupid decisions and create through our errors and instead we think only about what we can gain out of the things that we do.
We create disasters for ourselves, but we cannot seem to learn from those mistakes and stop making them. We don't realize what we may have destroyed
But...what are we losing as a result of our errors?

I have to wonder sometimes...

"What if I missed you, you got caught in the sun; what if I did something never to be undone?" -- Course of Nature

This has been a lifelong fear of mine and yet I walked myself right into some of these set traps as if I had forgotten...

Relationship Schmreelashunshiphs...And the latter word is what most of us end up feeling like at the end...

I have been thinking quite seriously of late about the way in which we, as human beings, and young ones at that, tend to engage in the relating process...and I have come to the conclusion that it is rather an unpleasant business that we make of it.

Please allow me to note, for the sake of clarification, that this post is coming from a notoriously hopeless romantic, and therefore if presented in the negative should be seriously considered without a write off! Don't take me at face value only. I have a'plenty to say...

Alright, first of all, I have not been in a relationship continually since I have been an adult, but I have been in several relationships since I reached the age of 18 (and none that counted before that, which is a really good thing, in my opinion...I got to have a strong foundation of Crystalism before entering myself into the state of being a half of a whole).

I have come to the conclusion that singleness is a refreshing thing right now. I don't know when I got to the point where I was confident and comfortable being myself, but I am glad that I have fully arrived at that place. I am burdened by loneliness at times (I do tend to be a very social person, when it comes to emotions...sometimes I want to share my feelings with someone else). It's not that I am incapable of love right now--I am in love, always perpetually in love, it seems--but at the moment I have found that being alone is the way to create in myself a certain strength of character that I have long desired and only slightly achieved throughout my periods of relational attachment. And yet, I realize that I have learned a lot about myself because of those very relationships as well...Life is truly a grand period of self-realization and new revelations of things that have always existed are constantly surfacing.

Right now, I am comfortable being alone, not because I don't feel loneliness, or don't want companionship, or do not feel love for someone, but because I am interested in pursuing this path right now, interested in seeing what I can learn about me for a while. Who am I, what do I want, me, me, me...but isn't a form of selfishness a good thing, once in a while? I am not trying to exclude anyone, but that is the exact reason why being technically alone is probably for the best right now. I'm actually optimistic about it right now, and it surprises me, because I generally love companionship to the utmost. But at this point, my friends can surround me and have been giving me new life through their loving support.

Now it's time to be both sides of a whole, and perhaps undivided as well. I think I am almost learning to find what I would want in a partner--if ever I should have one. I have learned the importance of growing with someone, not changing someone or being changed by someone...relationships should be complementary, not controlling. I realize, now that I look back, that there are probably several really great guys I passed up because of not understanding what relationships were all about at the time, and probably some really great people who just didn't work with me so the failure was inevitable. (It calls to mind the MuteMath song, Lost Year, which says, "At least now we know something we can't become..." It is a good realization when one comes to it: some things just don't work between two people and it's not something to feel wretched about...just accept, treat each other with respect, and move on.)

I don't really know what I want...that's why I'm better off not wanting or doing anything right now. Too much pain, too much frustration, too much of too much this year...I need a break from love for a while.

Disclaimer:
No, this post is not directed toward anyone but me; consider it a self-reminder.

I didn't want to resort to this...

I don't like REAL blogs to have questionnaires, but I thought I would JUST THIS ONCE, as long as it's particularly profound...

10 things you want to say to 10 different people:
1. I wish my dreams didn't have to be shattered by whatever you're going through, but I hope you find yourself through all of this. I can't say I'll be waiting at the other side, but I'd never turn you away.
2. I wish I didn't have to hurt you so much, and I wish you didn't hurt me back; we might have made it if I wasn't so broken, but as it is I'm not even a whole person to begin with. I wish I could go back and change it somehow, but I think it was an uncontrollable storm.
3. Meeting you has been like getting to know a soul mate that I never knew existed, and I love it! I think you could be a new best friend.
4. Meeting you has been like getting to know a soul mate that I always knew existed and it's great to finally know you! You have always been the one who knows everything about me.
5. You get me like no one else ever has or ever will. You see through my facades and know the REAL ME...I hope to never lose you.
6. You always tell me everything like it is, and even when it's harsh, I really appreciate it. It keeps me grounded.
7. I am glad that once all the crazy fun times were over, you and I were still friends after all. You've made everything a lot easier.
8. I hate it that you're gone. Really, really hate it.
9. I was really disappointed in what happened, but I will always love you no matter what you do
10. I have always been in love with you, ever since the beginning, and I believe that I always will see you as the best thing I've ever found and never had.

9 things about yourself:
1. I am passionately in love with little way that F. Scott Fitzgerald makes words go together.
2. I love being in love, and like The Format laments, I love it in spite of what it does to me.
3. My dreams are all mixed up in a crazy hope and a romanticized ambition...when it comes to knowing what I really want, well...that's a whole different story
4. I have a secret passion for dance music, and dancing, though I am positively terrible at it. There is something so exciting about going out dancing. It makes me feel like a modern debutante.
5. I adore my bed, but I don't spend anywhere near as much time in it as I ought to.
6. I have a weakness for designer handbags.
7. I'm really sorry to a lot of people because I often have a very self-centered appearance to my attitude, but I do love my friends more than myself. Most of the time, when I'm silent, I'm plotting to destroy someone who has interfered with someone I love (or some other less dramatic concern, but similarly related.) In short, I am a lot more likely to stay mad at someone who has hurt a friend than someone who has hurt me.
8. My dream of being a writer when I grow up has gotten more and more vague. I have realized that I am a writer always, whether I ever publish a book at all.
9. The best year of my life was when I was 22, and I miss it. This year has been the worst ever, as occasions of great lesson-learning is apt to be...

8 ways to win your heart:
1. Love the Lord with all your heart.
2. Mean what you say.
3. Be there for me when I need you.
4. Know who I am and love me for it. Don't try to change me. I'm too old for that now.
5. Be yourself with me, and don't lie. I won't judge you for who you are, or try to change you.
6. Cook for me.
7. Share books with me.
8. Be sweet to me and dream with me: I need to dream.

7 things that cross your mind a lot:
1. Someone I never stop thinking about
2. A top-secret project I've been working on, off and on, for 5 years
3. The great, mysterious future
4. Literary curiosities
5. Different songs that I love
6. Scenarios that could but never will happen, and so go into my fiction instead
7. My health, of late...

6 things you want to do in the future:
1. Go to Europe for an entire season
2. Get my own place and decorate it according to my taste...but I do not particularly want to live alone
3. Become a professor of literature
4. Write something worthy of my aspirations
5. Begin the love story with the love of my life, if such a person exists
6. Live the song "Kokomo" as my honeymoon (not kidding...this actually makes the list)

5 Turn Offs:
1. Social ineptness (in its many forms)
2. Arrogance or rudeness, even if it's a compensation for insecurity
3. Overt clinginess
4. A sense of humor that I don't understand, or a lack of appreciation for my fine-tuned sense of humor ;) hey...I work hard to be funny!
5. A lack of imagination

4 songs that describe your life:
1. If I Am - Nine Days
2. On the Road - John Hampson
3. Dog Problems - The Format
4. Books Written For Girls - Camera Obscura

3 places you feel the most at home:
1. My car
2. My house (go figure)
3. With my nose in a book

2 people you can't live without:
1. ONLY TWO?!?!
2. I refuse to limit it to two

1 confession:
1. My life is nothing like I ever thought it would be at this time, and I'm strangely okay with that.

Discovering People

I have come to realize (and this year "I have come to realize" more than I have ever come to realize before, so I feel the assertion is pretty valid) that people of value are few and far between. However, I have also learned that we all react to different things in different ways, so it's unfair to judge a person solely on the basis of their behavior in a certain situation. How are we to know what we would do in the same situation, given a selection of circumstances... Sure, we can judge and assume we would be so much more levelheaded than the other person, but who are we to say we're better than someone else?

My big problem, of late, is with judgmental people, people who like to look other people in the face and say their actions are somehow deplorable or inappropriate. I don't believe that it's fair for one person to place that kind of weight on another person, especially, in my case in point, on a fellow Christian. If the actions aren't sin, in and of themselves, the other person does not have the place to point out those supposed flaws, and even if they are sin, who has the right to remove the speck of dust from another's eye while ignoring the plank in their own? Jesus Christ shared this example with us himself, and yet somehow so many people think they are in the position to determine how other people should "work out their salvation."

Consider also in the New Testament where there is mention made of eating meat sacrificed to idols. Some say this is a definite sin, while others see nothing wrong with it, and the only insight the Bible gives about this decision is that it is up to a man to decide, and that a man should not do this act in front of someone who considers it sin. Well...allow me to get to my point, as my purpose here is more in depth than to merely point at Scripture and say, "See?"

If a Christian believes it is all right to do something that falls into the Biblical "gray area," the place where there is minimal mention of whether a thing is "acceptable" or "not," then clearly they should be wary of displaying this behavior for other Christians who do feel that it is "not" acceptable. The apostles warn against the "stumbling block" this will cause. For example, if a Christian feels something is wrong, and does it anyway, simply because someone else says they should, they are sinning in their own heart. But what about the other direction, because we seldom talk about this...

What about the Christian who is always trying to convince someone that something is a sin when the other person believes that it is not? I ask, because I have been guilty of this attempt at forced assimilation, myself. Is it fair, I wonder, for two people to be in a relationship with each other, trying to force different morals upon each other? Of course, this also requires a necessity of speaking up. (I have been the "convincer" before, without knowing how strongly the "convincee" felt about the subject, and I would like to regret that, but due to the lack of communication, I can't feel entirely at fault.)

I know that I am in very poor standing when it comes to judging relationships, since any that I have been in have ended in disastrous failure--whether by my own fault or not does not really matter in a track record. However, as I began with, I have learned a lot about people this past year. (As Claire says, "I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people.") I once thought I could understand humanity as a unit, that I just had to find a niche where I belonged and all the sensible things that made sense to me would just flow around me in peace. This is what I [unconsciously] expected out of life, and I think that this year served to teach me, once and for all, that nothing in life is ever what we expect or want initially. Whatever we plan, whatever we hope for, whatever we decide we want, is not necessarily where the road will take us if that is a part of our plan instead of His plan.

So, I can't control the people in my life, I can't control the people that I love, and although I honestly never wanted to control anyone, I did want to be sure of them. I sleep more comfortably knowing you are down the road and in your bed sleeping peacefully, or that you are up at work, but I know where; I can rest easily knowing that I am in your prayers, wherever you are, and that you love me in spite of my many poor qualities and often terrible attempts at having good qualities...

These people are my best friends, the ones who have weathered the storms with me and come out loving me more in the end. I have come to embrace these people for their nearness to my heart, even if they are distant in body. A lack of constant communication is not a problem for me anymore, though once I thought I would go crazy without communication (thought that was for a slightly different reason), because I have learned that if I truly trust the people I love, if we have proven to each other that our friendship is for life, it doesn't matter how often we talk, or how many times in a week, month, or year we see each other, because we will always come back together loving each other as much as ever! And I love that.

Even the GREAT Writers...

I was thinking last night about my much-loved F. Scott Fitzgerald, and while I was browsing the Interwebs, overly concerned with something extremely unimportant, indeed, I was led to the following thought...

F. Scott Fitzgerald has always been a writer known for severe and lasting bouts of writer's block. This very characteristic is what makes me respect the man more than anything. I always hope that somehow, I have a genius waiting to get out on paper too. He and I have dealt with writer's block in much the same way, except he had a Gatsby, and several hundred other delightful tidbits to show for himself. Maybe someday, I could be even a tiny fraction as good...

"All good writing is swimming under water and holding your breath. " -- F.S.F.

But, what, dare I ask, would have happened to American literature if the Internet would have been around sooner? Would Hemingway have been too busy playing a FPS on his XBox360 and never written The Old Man and the Sea. Maybe he would have written The Old Man and the TV. Would Melville have been too busy playing FISH: the Flash Game to have ever written an actual novel about the subject? Would Dorothy Parker have been updating her blog once a day and never ACTUALLY written any stories? Fitzgerald sat around drinking highballs and writing lists in order to cope with his writer's block, but what if he had just written lists AND played Sims? What "great American novels" are WE failing to breathe into life because we have too many useless things to do and therefore too little time to do them all?

I have thought though...Oscar Wilde would have had a subscription to GQ, and would idolize Justin Timberlake.

This is the biggest worry we had about Fitzgerald...

"I've been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library." -- F.S.F.

All writers have suffered from writer's block, that looming and evil disease, but that fact makes me all the more encouraged when I hear it from them, in the shadow of their great works of art...

"One of the most difficult things is the first paragraph. I have spent many months on a first paragraph, and once I get it, the rest just comes out very easily."
(Gabriel Garcia Marquez)

"People have writer's block not because they can't write, but because they despair of writing eloquently."
(Anna Quindlen)

"If I waited for perfection, I would never write a word."
(Margaret Atwood)

"Don't get it right, just get it written."
(James Thurber)

"Lower your standards and keep writing."
(William Stafford)

"I only write when I am inspired. Fortunately I am inspired at 9 o'clock every morning."
(William Faulkner)

"If you want to write, write it. That's the first rule."
(Robert Parker)