I shouldn't complain too much though. God has been really good to me in spite of the bad things I've had to go through this year. There has been a purpose in all of it, even though some things have not seemed to make sense when they happened. I am thankful for some of even the most difficult things because I have learned a lot. It's easier to look back and say that I learned than it is to register what I am learning while I am going through something. It's like walking through a blizzard and marveling about the size of the drifts, the glitter of the flakes, their intricate beauty...the more common thought is about the cold toes and the difficulty walking and breathing. Maybe eventually, looking back, it's possible to see the beauty, and especially the joy of making it
through the storm.I am optimistic about this year, but right now I don't know what I want or expect. I am cautious about trusting, cautious about loving, cautious about hoping too much when my experience shows me lately that nothing happens as planned. But I am nonetheless excited to see what God has in store for me. He knows me well--better than I know myself--and I hope that He understands the parts of my hopes and dreams that don't even make sense to me. I believe He can make my dreams come true, and He is equally able to remove some dreams and give me new ones, which He did several times in the past year, so all I have to do is trust in His guidance and provision for me. He is better at all of this "taking care" of people than I am. I wouldn't even be capable of guessing what's best for me; I always think I know and then God gently shows me otherwise. (Sometimes when I'm really stubborn, His directing isn't quite as gentle as I'd like, but He makes His purpose known.)
Last year was difficult. Almost disastrous sometimes. But I am better because of it. "Better" as in stronger...and I feel like there are some things I have improved upon, but I'm afraid to say what they are because that will be the most likely way of getting people to disagree and point out my faults!
Eventually I'd like to find the person God has in store for me (if such a thing is real) and get married and have a home and have children even (though that idea takes some getting used to) because the idea of moving further than this alone seems scary to me. I know I can do it though, if God really doesn't have such a future for me, and He will give me the strength to do what I need to do in this world. I am sad that things have not gone as I had hoped, but from this point on, everything is blind. All the plans I had for myself have exhausted, and the rest will be a surprise (not that everything hasn't already been a surprise to begin with!) I'm actually a little excited about the prospect of this adventure; the One planning is a good guide, and that's all that matters.
It's my 25th birthday, and I'm sick, exhausted, and a little bit frustrated after a difficult year followed by further challenges... In spite of that, I am looking ahead now with hope. I have hope for this year, and hope for the years that will come after. There is much to look forward to, and much to let go of--not necessarily to forget, but rather to bury away for possible future
excavations. Who can know what life will bring? Only the Lord knows what is best, and He should be trusted with every worry and fear and hope and dream because He alone can save us."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
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