Relationship Schmreelashunshiphs...And the latter word is what most of us end up feeling like at the end...

I have been thinking quite seriously of late about the way in which we, as human beings, and young ones at that, tend to engage in the relating process...and I have come to the conclusion that it is rather an unpleasant business that we make of it.

Please allow me to note, for the sake of clarification, that this post is coming from a notoriously hopeless romantic, and therefore if presented in the negative should be seriously considered without a write off! Don't take me at face value only. I have a'plenty to say...

Alright, first of all, I have not been in a relationship continually since I have been an adult, but I have been in several relationships since I reached the age of 18 (and none that counted before that, which is a really good thing, in my opinion...I got to have a strong foundation of Crystalism before entering myself into the state of being a half of a whole).

I have come to the conclusion that singleness is a refreshing thing right now. I don't know when I got to the point where I was confident and comfortable being myself, but I am glad that I have fully arrived at that place. I am burdened by loneliness at times (I do tend to be a very social person, when it comes to emotions...sometimes I want to share my feelings with someone else). It's not that I am incapable of love right now--I am in love, always perpetually in love, it seems--but at the moment I have found that being alone is the way to create in myself a certain strength of character that I have long desired and only slightly achieved throughout my periods of relational attachment. And yet, I realize that I have learned a lot about myself because of those very relationships as well...Life is truly a grand period of self-realization and new revelations of things that have always existed are constantly surfacing.

Right now, I am comfortable being alone, not because I don't feel loneliness, or don't want companionship, or do not feel love for someone, but because I am interested in pursuing this path right now, interested in seeing what I can learn about me for a while. Who am I, what do I want, me, me, me...but isn't a form of selfishness a good thing, once in a while? I am not trying to exclude anyone, but that is the exact reason why being technically alone is probably for the best right now. I'm actually optimistic about it right now, and it surprises me, because I generally love companionship to the utmost. But at this point, my friends can surround me and have been giving me new life through their loving support.

Now it's time to be both sides of a whole, and perhaps undivided as well. I think I am almost learning to find what I would want in a partner--if ever I should have one. I have learned the importance of growing with someone, not changing someone or being changed by someone...relationships should be complementary, not controlling. I realize, now that I look back, that there are probably several really great guys I passed up because of not understanding what relationships were all about at the time, and probably some really great people who just didn't work with me so the failure was inevitable. (It calls to mind the MuteMath song, Lost Year, which says, "At least now we know something we can't become..." It is a good realization when one comes to it: some things just don't work between two people and it's not something to feel wretched about...just accept, treat each other with respect, and move on.)

I don't really know what I want...that's why I'm better off not wanting or doing anything right now. Too much pain, too much frustration, too much of too much this year...I need a break from love for a while.

Disclaimer:
No, this post is not directed toward anyone but me; consider it a self-reminder.